Blog switch

I've switched my blog to heismore.wordpress.com if you'd like to keep following! Thanks for everything!!!

Currently & Today (Edition 1)

Currently:
Life is hard.
Homework, tests, quizzes, projects, and school in general is stressful.
I wake up everyday to severe pain and just try to get through the day.
Sleep is my prized treasure, oh wait, hasn't it always been?
Christmas is coming up soon.
I don't understand why it looks like spring outside (i.e. NO SNOW. THIS IS MINNESOTA!!!)
I'm trying to be hopeful for my recovery and be overflowing with thankfulness.
I'm trying to live in the moment, enjoy every part of my life because time passes quicker than I realize and I am SO infinitely blessed it's ridiculous.

Today, life is rough. I could have it a lot worse, I realize that. That is where my thankfulness stems from today. I'm thankful that Jesus has chosen me out of my failure and sin. He has saved me and promised to heal me. This is the promise that I cling to day by day. I cling to the cross because there is nothing else I can hold onto anymore.

So today I will:
Lay on a heating pad to help my back feel better.
Read Lamentations 3 over and over again.
Listen to worship music and sing along, praising my Lord.
Enjoy Starbucks before church with one of my dear friends.
Let out all my frustration and replace it with hope that comes from God.
Cuddle with my dogs because lets face it, they are the cutest things.
Listen repeatedly to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Khz6ud6wFcw

With Joy,
Janae

P.S. I may or may not have become obsessed with taking pictures of/with my dogs. 

Why Matthew Upsets Me Sometimes

Sometimes the book of Matthew makes me upset.

Don't get my wrong, I love the book of Matthew. Just give me a second to explain.

Right now I'm reading the whole New Testament by the end of the year with Eric Samuel Timm and hundreds of other youth group kids in Minnesota. Currently I'm reading Matthew and Acts.

Again and again and again I've read the words, "Jesus healed (enter person or pronoun here)". I've read it so many times in these past few days it almost makes me upset when I see those words.

A few weeks ago I wrote this post: 16 with an MRI and HOPE which kind of gave a picture of how I'd been feeling up until that point and at that moment. It's almost exactly 5 weeks later and I'm going to be real with you guys because if I'm not honest and open here then what's the point of this blog?

I'm not quite sure how to explain how I've been feeling other than horribly miserable with extreme pain everyday. If you're new to this little (little meaning VERY small) blog, January of 2011 I was in a serious skiing accident which resulted in a concussion and severe pain in my neck, back, and head for about 8 months. I got better. God was so faithful and healed me from my pain! Fast-forward to January 2nd, 2012. I was driving with my dad and the snow on the ground was mostly melted but in the shadows were patches of black ice. The car starts fish-tailing and all control of the car is lost. Our car crashes into a tree and totals the car. My dad hurts his rib and glass is all over everything but after a visit to good ol' North Memorial everything seems to okay physically. I'm extremely scared of riding in cars but that's not what I'm going to talk about. I start to feel not so good a few days later so off to the doctor. He says my muscles are probably just sore from the crash and I continue going to see the Chiropractor as I was doing before my car crash.

Months and months go by with no change. I feel worse and worse. I continually plead with God for healing. I believe that he can heal! I believe it! I've experienced it previously! But still the healing doesn't come. September rolls up and with school starting we need some answers. Why am I not all better yet?  The Chiropractor recommends I go to Physical Therapy and that we see a Neurologist. We head to the Neurologist which is when I wrote that post up there.  He said that I need to go to Physical Therapy and I'll get better in no time. Our insurance agency also sends us to a doctor for a second opinion. He also says, "Go to Physical therapy and you'll be better in six weeks!"

I've gone to Physical Therapy and feel worse. Physical Therapy works for so many people, the doctors obviously wouldn't have told me to get treated there if it didn't work. But for me it didn't. I feel worse than ever before and there are no answers.

The Physical Therapist has no answers for me and doesn't have any idea why I haven't improved in any way. She suggests we go see our family doctor if only to get pain medication so I can feel any bit better.

I hope you understand this is hard to write because this has.been.my.life. I've gotten so good at putting on a happy face, acting like everything's okay that when people see a glimpse of how I truly have been feeling they're shocked, surprised, didn't have any clue.

So now I'm saying how I feel. I feel like my own body is betraying me. I feel upset. I feel frustrated. I feel confused. I feel severe pain.

That whole big long story is the reason I feel upset sometimes when I'm reading Matthew because I've been that person begging at Jesus' feet for healing but instead it hasn't come. I've heard people say, "You just need to have faith that he will do it" and I feel like screaming "YOU DON'T KNOW MY LEVEL OF FAITH AND YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH SO DO NOT EVEN SAY THAT TO ME!" But, obviously I don't because that'd be rude to say right after someone just prayed for me.

You see, this is my life. I keep thinking about when Jesus says, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23) And just maybe this is my cross. God loves me so much he would never give me something too heavy for me to bear with his help. He never gives us too much.

I don't know when this pain will go away. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why God hasn't healed me yet. But I do know that he has promised healing.

Our ways are not his ways and our timing is not his timing! One thing that's been difficult for me to understand is why do people die of sickness with God promises healing? God also promises that He will wipe every tear from their eyes. That there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things will have had passed away. (Revelation 21:4) When He says this he's not talking about this time here on earth. Heaven does not equate to Earth. When people pass away do to sickness, then that is when they are forever fully healed. The full healing comes when we are united with Christ forever and we take on our heavenly bodies. God doesn't promise that here on Earth everyone will be healed, he just promises healing.

Whether my healing comes during my time on earth, or my time in Heaven I know it will come. It will come. We hurt in this world because it is full of hurt, it's not perfect, it never will be, and is full of sin.

It's really hard to understand why God has not healed me yet but I will forever take up this cross of mine and follow him while clinging to his promises. The book of Matthew reminds me of my struggles and frustrates me but you know what else it says? The very last sentence is from Jesus, "And surely I am with always, to the very end of the age."

All The Super Single Ladies

Dear Siiiiinnngle Girl (Very Single Girl),

You know who you are. You seem to be the one not getting a date, asked out, or having guys be interested in you. 

You're the girl whose best friends asked out to homecoming, Prom, winter formal, and out in general while you eat ice cream and watch Say Yes To The Dress with your dog. 

You're the girl who's always the just friend to guys and never something more. 

You worry about maybe never getting a date or getting married. Let me just speak something into your life right now, you will get married. You have nothing to worry about! Maybe guys aren't interested in you now. But someday the most amazing guy will be and you'll be glad you didn't waste your time on anybody else. 

Maybe you can't stop thinking about an amazing guy, super amazing. He's everything you want and would love for him to feel the same way about you as you do him. But he likes your best friend. (Yeah this one hurts the world. I can say I feel your pain from personal experience.)

I'm just going to say that either this guy will realize one day what a fool he's been and ask you out or Gods going to one up him like no other. Just you wait. 

Do you worry what's wrong with you? That maybe you aren't pretty enough? Funny enough? Skinny enough? Filled out enough? Smart enough? A little too smart? Not talented enough? Not bubbly enough? The answer is none of those things.

It’s hard to not question why you are still the super single girl in the middle of Couple Central. But just stop putting yourself down. It's not worth it to yourself, God, or your future husband. So many people love you to the moon and back and maybe it’s not a romantic type of love right now, but it is love. More people than you think care about you as a person and don't think less of you because of your unchanging relationship status. 

It’s easy to try to change ourselves in order to please a guy but don't we all want someone who loves us for us? Be the best you that you can be. God sent his one and only son to die on the cross for you; not for the person you’re trying to make yourself into or for you to try to be someone else so don’t even go there. You're truly wonderful. 

Relationships are messy anyways and lead to more heartbreak than you see coming.

 And finally, you think you're the only siiiingle girl out there? Look again. It might seem like everyone is having a "thing" with someone else, dating, engaged, getting crushed on, or even married but look again!

 I'm writing this to you because I am that really single girl. Yeah it is tough but know that this time of being extra single is actually a giant blessing. It looks like an ugly piece of lowering your self esteem but you can make it so much more than that. 

I want you to know that you are worthy of love and are loved.

I want you to promise me you'll never settle for anything less than a Godly gentleman because he gives you a second glance. I want you to stay you because anyone else is a downgrade compared to how you are naturally.

I feel compelled to write this because I need you to know you're not alone and to encourage you because you might feel like junk right now but don’t because there is nothing wrong with you or with being the siiiiiiingle girl. And know that as I write this to you I write this to myself. 

With love,

Your Super Single Sister

16 with an MRI & HOPE

So I haven't written on here in forever but now I am. Your blog shouldn't be something you make yourself write in, it should be beneficial for yourself as well as others. If I don't have something to say then I'm not going to write something I'm half okay with just to see the blog stats go up. That's not what my writing is about. 

This week has been tough. First I had a bad cold, then in turned into something like a horrible flu which I had for three days and made me miss Wednesday and Thursday. The days of two APUSH tests and a Pre-Calc test. Along with this flu-like-whatever-was-going-on in my body, I've been dealing with daily headaches and severe neck, back, and shoulder pain for about 10 months, ever since my car accident the day after this past New Years. Yesterday I went to see the Neurologist and found out that nothing is wrong with my brain that's causing my pain, it's muscles. (Which is really good that I don't have nerve damage or something wrong with my brain because that's serious business!) But that had to do an MRI anyways just to make sure. I'm not even going to go into the whole MRI business, it was torture.

The thing is, I feel like gjklgnlgfjkjsgsf WHY AM I NOT BETTER????? If it is muscles then I should be better by now! I mean for PETE'S SAKE I'M ON 16 NOT 64!!!!! even though I should be rejoicing that nothing more severe is wrong with me. But my pain is still here. It's not going away right away and it's frustrating. It's a daily burden that weighs me down.

During the cool down from my run tonight I put on some worship music. When the treadmill stopped I just kept the music playing and turned it back on to a walk. It put things back into perspective. My God is SO big and SO great and SO POWERFUL I CANNOT EVEN FATHOM!! He is SO to be praised even in my horrible junking pain that I'm going through. He is so much bigger than everything I'm going through. I easily forget that, um hello He stinkin' rose from the dead and overcame sickness, death, pain, and sin in millions of people. How can I forget that? How can I forget how amazingly wonderful my God is? It's when I focus on me, me, me, and me that His goodness starts to fade away from my thoughts. That's when I need to turn my attention towards Him and focus my mind on things above and not on earthly things. (Colossians 3:2)

Honestly I'd feel so hopeless in this season of physical pain, and every other season of my life, if I didn't know that God, the Healer, the Almighty One, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords has complete control over my life and He LOVES ME. You see, His love is perfect. It never fails, it never gives up, and is always right. As in His choices are always right for us. Never once will He or has He made a mistake in your life or in my life. He gives ultimate hope beyond any current pain we are in the midst of.

You are not alone and you have HOPE. Unbeatable, crazy, doesn't make sense hope, that is YOURS.

Isaiah 35:4

"Say to those with fearful hearts,

    “Be strong, do not fear;

your God will come,

    he will come with vengeance;

with divine retribution

    he will come to save you.”

When the Sun Stood Still

The Lord is with his people. He fights for them. He performs miracles for them. He loves them. He will do the impossible. He reassures them (Joshua 10:8). He can confuse the enemy (Joshua 10:10). He can send down hailstones that kill more men than swords (Joshua 10:11). He can make the Sun stand still (Joshua 10:12-14). He makes sure we return home safe (Joshua 10:15). 

This story amazes me because the Lord...

#1. Told Joshua, "Don't worry about it! I've already taken care of it, they've already lost. All you have to do it go out there and finish the job. I'm with you so don't sweat it." This one to me is the struggle. God tells us so many times in the Bible to not worry, how strong he is, how loving he is, how powerful he is, yet I still seem to say, "I, I, I'm really not quite sure... are you sure Lord? Because THIS situation seems pretty darn big! It's SO big!! Do you realize how big it is? Are you sure you can really handle this?!" But, do I think in my head I can do a better job of handling it than God wholly taking control of it? No, if I think about it I really don't think I can. So why do I struggle with handing things over to him? See, God's always told this to us. He's always said that he has ALREADY TAKEN CARE OF IT! So why worry? This is my number one struggle. I'm so thankful that my God is a God of compassion!! 

#2. God went above and beyond his promise. What God originally said to Joshua would have been enough. He said, "Not one of them will be able to withstand you." Which pretty much translates to, "You've already won! Just go out and do your thing!" But he went above and beyond that to help the Israelites! He makes the Gibeonites easier to kill by confusing them and then he sends down monster hailstones to kill the rest of them! You see, God always goes above and beyond when it comes to helping us out in our battles! It might seem like the exact opposite was happening, but he's always right there! The Israelites might have thought that the Gibeonites running around confused made it harder and that the hailstones were coming after then when in reality, THOSE WERE ACTIONS OF GOD! It might seem like attacks are coming at you when they're God helping you out. 

#3. He gave them just what they needed. He made the Sun stand still. Joshua asked God for the Sun to stand still so that they could have enough time to finish the job and God delivered! It also shows the amazing power of prayer! God knew that the Israelites needed extra daylight time to win the battle so he gave it to them! He wants to make sure we succeed and will do what needs to be done so that we will! 

#4. Without the battle God's glory wouldn't have been as evident as it was. That wasn't such a wonderful sentence but it gets across what I'm trying to say. This battle was SO GOD! Who else could confuse and make the enemy not even fight back? And then send giant hailstones to finish the job? BUT, all the while making the Sun stand still in the sky so that the Israelites could fully defeat the enemy? If you feel like your battle is being prolonged, like you're where the Moon is standing still, then know that somewhere else the Sun is standing still! Your dawn will come and you will be able to see the great victory the Lord did when both your Moon and some else's Sun were standing still!! 

It's okay to hurt.

Hurting
Broken
Scarred
Scared
Worried
Crying
Questioning

All traits of being human, but no one wants to anyone else to see that side of them. We all want to put on masks to cover up our mistakes, our sin, our hurt, our past. The last thing we desire is to put on display how we really feel.

I believe this is a problem. The scars we have are because of the past we have, but don't need to hold onto anymore. The scars show the person we once were and what we once went through, and more importantly, how they've shaped us to become the person we are today.

But what if that person isn't so perfect?

No one is! The only perfect human who ever walked this Earth was named Jesus. And let me tell you, in his perfect he never sinned but he did cry. He hurt. He even questioned God. He felt troubled and a little apprehensive. He hurt and has permanent scars. The thing is, he doesn't ever dare hide them. He shows off his scars because it showcases the work of the Father and the gift each one of us is given, whether or not we receive it is left up to us.

Striving for perfection? Jesus is a pretty good model to imitate since he was and is and will be forever, perfect.

Even though John 11:35 is the most well known as the shortest verse in the Bible, "Jesus wept.", it holds so much more! Those two words to me, show Jesus' hurting, emotion, and humanity. It showed his heart.

It showed his heart and love for Martha, Mary, and the other Jews who were weeping with them. He hurt with others when they hurt. He felt their pain and did his best the alleviate that pain. (In this case, he raised Lazarus, their sole reason for weeping, from the dead! What a way to bring relief!)

In our culture, we see hurt as a problem that needs to be covered up because it's not pretty, not perfect. In reality, the most perfect person to walk this Earth, Jesus, hurt!

It's okay to hurt and feel pain, because Jesus even felt hurt and pain. It happens, has happened, and will happen again. It's part of having a heart and being human. But those thorns that cause us horribly pain leave us with ugly scars will one day show the glory of God far better than a smooth clear life. It might not seem like it now, but it will. That's a promise God gives us to hold onto.

Psalm 116:7-9

Be at rest once more, O my soul, 

for the Lord has been good to you.

For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death,

my eyes from tears, 

my feet from stumbling,

that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living. 

George Orwell

I've been reading "Politics and the English Language" by George Orwell for my summer homework for AP Language & Composition. Orwell pretty much says, "Modern English is full of pre-made phrases that really don't mean anything. People want to sound pretty, but in reality, when you think about what you're saying you can see they don't know anything and have no clue what they're talking about. If you're going to write or talk, use words that have meaning, are new and exciting, and aren't misused!"

It's gotten me thinking about how I talk. When I talk, I want people to see who I am and who Jesus is. I don't want to sound like a fool who doesn't understand a lick of what he's saying. It's gotten me thinking about what I sound like when I open my mouth, or type with my fingers, about Jesus. Do I sound like someone who just wants to please a crowd with what I'm saying? Do I think about every word that exits my brain? Do I say the right things so that everyone knows exactly what I'm talking about and what I'm trying to convey?

This is really important to me! I think it should be to everyone. We need to stop making up sentences that just sound good but have no meaning concerning our Savior! Being saved from Hell is a BIG DEAL! Having God with me all the time is a BIG DEAL! How Jesus has changed my life and is changing it every second of the day is a BIG DEAL! I never want anyone to be confused with what I have to say about how great, wonderful, mighty, knowledgeable, powerful, wise, and loving beyond all measure our God is!

I vow to lift praise and honor to my Savior with every word I speak or write so that all will understand who God is and what I'm trying to say!

Why I'm Deleting My Pinterest Wedding Board

(Disclaimer: I’m not saying that everyone needs to do this, I’m just saying for me, myself, this is what I’ve decided is needed to keep my focus on Jesus wholly.)

Songs of Solomon 8:4

Promise me, O women of Jerusalem,

    not to awaken love until the time is right.

More than ever, I’ve been really feeling God saying, “You need to only focus on me.” Now, this is true always, but it’s so much more than just reading my Bible every day. As girl who loves all things romance, love, chick-flick, weddings, etc. I’ve felt like it’s just becoming a distraction from God because He’s the only Guy I need right now and ultimately ever. There are actions that I feel I need to take so I can truly only focus on him.

#1 Deleting My Pinterest Wedding Board
Maybe you’re thinking, “What’s wrong with a wedding board on Pinterest? That’s so harmless!” Once I got a Pinterest and had read this post by Annie I kept thinking about to what she said about being content single.

“If you are constantly thinking about dating or getting engaged or married flee temptation! Putting images of other people's weddings and proposals are only going to keep you believing the lie that everything falls together when you fall into relationship. it isn't true, so stop pinning it as if it were. Flee temptation. Delete the wedding board. Believe me; you will have plenty of time to scour Pinterest when there's a ring on your finger.” 

I think constantly looking at pictures of gorgeous venues, lovely lace dresses, and happy newly married couples draws up, not jealousy but a desire that isn’t needed at this time. I love what Annie said about looking at all the Wedding pictures once you’re engaged, there’ll be plenty of time! God is working out your “happily ever after” right now, so wait on his timing for him to awaken love. Ex. Whenever I’m watching Food Network, I get really hungry for whatever I’m seeing because it looks so delicious.

#2 Stop Reading Nicholas Sparks Books
This one I’ve been thinking about for quite a while and fighting with whether or not I should and whether or not it’s actually necessary because I love love stories. The thing to me is, even though his books are good, they awaken that feeling of need for a relationship and set expectations for future or current relationships that are reasonable. A lot of times I don’t feel as though I want the same kind of relationships that are written about in Nicholas Sparks’ books because they aren’t Christ-Centered and honestly are plainly sexually sinful. (Which I always skip over but it still reinforces the world’s view that purity isn’t valuable.) Ex. Hearing about someone’s vacation and instantly wanting to go there, too. The more you hear about how amazing this place is, the more you want to go to this place.

#3 Thought Control
My thoughts are so powerful, and sometimes they lie to me; so I’m going to fight for what my mind dwells on! Besides just thoughts about relationships, just thoughts that distract from God I need to cast away. The best way for me to focus on God is to fill my mind up with Him so that there’s not room for anything else! At moment the most important things in my life are the people in my life, recovering fully from my car accident & ski accident, school, and Jesus so that’s what I’m going to think about! (Philippians 4:8) Ex. To get an annoying song out of your head, get another stuck there in its place! Works every time.

One of my things to focus on, family.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that right now; I declare publicly that God is going to be my only focus from now on. I have faith that He will awaken the right desires at the right time and has hold of my future better than I ever could.

Your Story

I believe your story, your testimony, whatever you want to call it, is the most powerful weapon for God that you have.

Everyone has a front, a face they put on that the whole world normally sees. It's kind of like your profile picture or twitter account picture. My twitter picture is to the left. You look at it and think I'm generally happy. Like dressing up. Love my family. But, what can you tell about who I really am unless I tell you? A  lot of times, I don't like to tell people who I am, what I've been through, what's been really going on in my life on the inside so the picture on the left is who people really think I am.

I personally, have been hurt in the past, so opening up is sometimes scary. Let's face it, that's how a lot of us feel. We get scared and it keeps us from showing our true colors.

What's worse is, I believe as a child of God, we each have a story. I've shared a little bit of my story of the past year and a half in this post, and I don't think I'm even close to having revealed all God has done in my life and all that I've gone through. God's still working in my life, he's still writing my story. And whatever he writes, I'm called to share.


For me, I have a very tender heart and easily emotional when talking about tough things; which scares me away from sharing my story for fear of just completely losing it. I'm empathetic and my soft nature is part of my story, it makes me relatable. I'll cry with you, hurt with you, and try my best to understand what you're going through and hopefully you'll understand what I'm going through too.

But this fear I have, it's part of my story and it can't hold me back any longer. Tears show sincerity, hurt, love, emotions; none of those are things to be ashamed of.

I believe your story, your testimony, your proof of God in your life, is the most powerful weapon for bringing souls into the Kingdom of God that you have. 


This is why I feel strongly about personally sharing my story and that others should too. What God has done in your life is the one thing that others can never take away from you, you can never forget, and no one can argue with. So next time someone asks you to share, don't be afraid because who's to disagree with YOUR story?