Sometimes the book of Matthew makes me upset.
Don't get my wrong, I love the book of Matthew. Just give me a second to explain.
Right now I'm reading the whole New Testament by the end of the year with Eric Samuel Timm and hundreds of other youth group kids in Minnesota. Currently I'm reading Matthew and Acts.
Again and again and again I've read the words, "Jesus healed (enter person or pronoun here)". I've read it so many times in these past few days it almost makes me upset when I see those words.
A few weeks ago I wrote this post: 16 with an MRI and HOPE which kind of gave a picture of how I'd been feeling up until that point and at that moment. It's almost exactly 5 weeks later and I'm going to be real with you guys because if I'm not honest and open here then what's the point of this blog?
I'm not quite sure how to explain how I've been feeling other than horribly miserable with extreme pain everyday. If you're new to this little (little meaning VERY small) blog, January of 2011 I was in a serious skiing accident which resulted in a concussion and severe pain in my neck, back, and head for about 8 months. I got better. God was so faithful and healed me from my pain! Fast-forward to January 2nd, 2012. I was driving with my dad and the snow on the ground was mostly melted but in the shadows were patches of black ice. The car starts fish-tailing and all control of the car is lost. Our car crashes into a tree and totals the car. My dad hurts his rib and glass is all over everything but after a visit to good ol' North Memorial everything seems to okay physically. I'm extremely scared of riding in cars but that's not what I'm going to talk about. I start to feel not so good a few days later so off to the doctor. He says my muscles are probably just sore from the crash and I continue going to see the Chiropractor as I was doing before my car crash.
Months and months go by with no change. I feel worse and worse. I continually plead with God for healing. I believe that he can heal! I believe it! I've experienced it previously! But still the healing doesn't come. September rolls up and with school starting we need some answers. Why am I not all better yet? The Chiropractor recommends I go to Physical Therapy and that we see a Neurologist. We head to the Neurologist which is when I wrote that post up there. He said that I need to go to Physical Therapy and I'll get better in no time. Our insurance agency also sends us to a doctor for a second opinion. He also says, "Go to Physical therapy and you'll be better in six weeks!"
I've gone to Physical Therapy and feel worse. Physical Therapy works for so many people, the doctors obviously wouldn't have told me to get treated there if it didn't work. But for me it didn't. I feel worse than ever before and there are no answers.
The Physical Therapist has no answers for me and doesn't have any idea why I haven't improved in any way. She suggests we go see our family doctor if only to get pain medication so I can feel any bit better.
I hope you understand this is hard to write because this has.been.my.life. I've gotten so good at putting on a happy face, acting like everything's okay that when people see a glimpse of how I truly have been feeling they're shocked, surprised, didn't have any clue.
So now I'm saying how I feel. I feel like my own body is betraying me. I feel upset. I feel frustrated. I feel confused. I feel severe pain.
That whole big long story is the reason I feel upset sometimes when I'm reading Matthew because I've been that person begging at Jesus' feet for healing but instead it hasn't come. I've heard people say, "You just need to have faith that he will do it" and I feel like screaming "YOU DON'T KNOW MY LEVEL OF FAITH AND YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH SO DO NOT EVEN SAY THAT TO ME!" But, obviously I don't because that'd be rude to say right after someone just prayed for me.
You see, this is my life. I keep thinking about when Jesus says, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23) And just maybe this is my cross. God loves me so much he would never give me something too heavy for me to bear with his help. He never gives us too much.
I don't know when this pain will go away. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why God hasn't healed me yet. But I do know that he has promised healing.
Our ways are not his ways and our timing is not his timing! One thing that's been difficult for me to understand is why do people die of sickness with God promises healing? God also promises that He will wipe every tear from their eyes. That there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things will have had passed away. (Revelation 21:4) When He says this he's not talking about this time here on earth. Heaven does not equate to Earth. When people pass away do to sickness, then that is when they are forever fully healed. The full healing comes when we are united with Christ forever and we take on our heavenly bodies. God doesn't promise that here on Earth everyone will be healed, he just promises healing.
Whether my healing comes during my time on earth, or my time in Heaven I know it will come. It will come. We hurt in this world because it is full of hurt, it's not perfect, it never will be, and is full of sin.
It's really hard to understand why God has not healed me yet but I will forever take up this cross of mine and follow him while clinging to his promises. The book of Matthew reminds me of my struggles and frustrates me but you know what else it says? The very last sentence is from Jesus, "And surely I am with always, to the very end of the age."
Don't get my wrong, I love the book of Matthew. Just give me a second to explain.
Right now I'm reading the whole New Testament by the end of the year with Eric Samuel Timm and hundreds of other youth group kids in Minnesota. Currently I'm reading Matthew and Acts.
Again and again and again I've read the words, "Jesus healed (enter person or pronoun here)". I've read it so many times in these past few days it almost makes me upset when I see those words.
A few weeks ago I wrote this post: 16 with an MRI and HOPE which kind of gave a picture of how I'd been feeling up until that point and at that moment. It's almost exactly 5 weeks later and I'm going to be real with you guys because if I'm not honest and open here then what's the point of this blog?
I'm not quite sure how to explain how I've been feeling other than horribly miserable with extreme pain everyday. If you're new to this little (little meaning VERY small) blog, January of 2011 I was in a serious skiing accident which resulted in a concussion and severe pain in my neck, back, and head for about 8 months. I got better. God was so faithful and healed me from my pain! Fast-forward to January 2nd, 2012. I was driving with my dad and the snow on the ground was mostly melted but in the shadows were patches of black ice. The car starts fish-tailing and all control of the car is lost. Our car crashes into a tree and totals the car. My dad hurts his rib and glass is all over everything but after a visit to good ol' North Memorial everything seems to okay physically. I'm extremely scared of riding in cars but that's not what I'm going to talk about. I start to feel not so good a few days later so off to the doctor. He says my muscles are probably just sore from the crash and I continue going to see the Chiropractor as I was doing before my car crash.
Months and months go by with no change. I feel worse and worse. I continually plead with God for healing. I believe that he can heal! I believe it! I've experienced it previously! But still the healing doesn't come. September rolls up and with school starting we need some answers. Why am I not all better yet? The Chiropractor recommends I go to Physical Therapy and that we see a Neurologist. We head to the Neurologist which is when I wrote that post up there. He said that I need to go to Physical Therapy and I'll get better in no time. Our insurance agency also sends us to a doctor for a second opinion. He also says, "Go to Physical therapy and you'll be better in six weeks!"
I've gone to Physical Therapy and feel worse. Physical Therapy works for so many people, the doctors obviously wouldn't have told me to get treated there if it didn't work. But for me it didn't. I feel worse than ever before and there are no answers.
The Physical Therapist has no answers for me and doesn't have any idea why I haven't improved in any way. She suggests we go see our family doctor if only to get pain medication so I can feel any bit better.
I hope you understand this is hard to write because this has.been.my.life. I've gotten so good at putting on a happy face, acting like everything's okay that when people see a glimpse of how I truly have been feeling they're shocked, surprised, didn't have any clue.
So now I'm saying how I feel. I feel like my own body is betraying me. I feel upset. I feel frustrated. I feel confused. I feel severe pain.
That whole big long story is the reason I feel upset sometimes when I'm reading Matthew because I've been that person begging at Jesus' feet for healing but instead it hasn't come. I've heard people say, "You just need to have faith that he will do it" and I feel like screaming "YOU DON'T KNOW MY LEVEL OF FAITH AND YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH SO DO NOT EVEN SAY THAT TO ME!" But, obviously I don't because that'd be rude to say right after someone just prayed for me.
You see, this is my life. I keep thinking about when Jesus says, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23) And just maybe this is my cross. God loves me so much he would never give me something too heavy for me to bear with his help. He never gives us too much.
I don't know when this pain will go away. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why God hasn't healed me yet. But I do know that he has promised healing.
Our ways are not his ways and our timing is not his timing! One thing that's been difficult for me to understand is why do people die of sickness with God promises healing? God also promises that He will wipe every tear from their eyes. That there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things will have had passed away. (Revelation 21:4) When He says this he's not talking about this time here on earth. Heaven does not equate to Earth. When people pass away do to sickness, then that is when they are forever fully healed. The full healing comes when we are united with Christ forever and we take on our heavenly bodies. God doesn't promise that here on Earth everyone will be healed, he just promises healing.
Whether my healing comes during my time on earth, or my time in Heaven I know it will come. It will come. We hurt in this world because it is full of hurt, it's not perfect, it never will be, and is full of sin.
It's really hard to understand why God has not healed me yet but I will forever take up this cross of mine and follow him while clinging to his promises. The book of Matthew reminds me of my struggles and frustrates me but you know what else it says? The very last sentence is from Jesus, "And surely I am with always, to the very end of the age."
